So...finally have these things going...hopefully I'm using them correctly
Beer and Chainsaws Round 2
March 31, 2014
Full warning: As with the first beer and chainsaws post this is going to have little to do with beer other than the fact that I was having some of River’s Riggly Roggenbier when it was written (it is also going to be a bit long winded). For those of you who have read this blog from the start, or who have read the reason that I started the blog on the “about” page, you know that in addition to being a place to post about all things beer this blog has also been a mechanism of therapy for me. The last few weeks I was doing well enough personally to focus strictly on the beer related items and get a general routine of weekly breweries and bombers in place. A few days ago, that streak of doing well ended. I don’t expect most of you to read past this sentence but if you do, I thank you for your willingness to allow me to try and work through this in my writing (you were just given an out there homeslice, don’t say I didn’t warn you).
For a few months’ now, I’ve been struggling to retain the most important part of my life. This isn’t something that defined who I was but punctuated the aspects of myself that I used to be proud of and, I had thought, provided that in return. For reasons I still do not fully understand this was ripped away from me; and I was continually given just enough reason for hope that it could be fixed that I found this still worth fighting for. All of that hope (a fool’s hope as it turns out), all of the effort that was put forth as a result, and the main reason I had to just wake up in the morning were destroyed with the receipt of a single text message. Once again I was turned into a weepy, weak, broken-hearted pussy, something that I am not proud to admit but I need to acknowledge. I also need to acknowledge that while I don’t understand fully why things are the way they are I have to shoulder blame for what I did (or didn’t do in some cases) that aided in the progression of this nightmare. While I’m the first to admit that I am not perfect nothing that was given as a reason for this situation couldn’t have been resolved with time attention and commitment which I was and still am willing to do.
I am back to square one in dealing with this save one exception: I have no more reason to hope for the life I wanted to live. I am aware of how “Cry for help-y” that sounds but I’m not planning on doing anything stupid and permanent (except getting my tattoo finished of course). I need to steel myself for the hard times to come, and finding new reasons to get up in the morning. I need to acknowledge that there will be no more homemade bread, jokes about “Cwevewand”, being called “Chri’fer” and a great many other things I truly treasure, and more importantly I need to learn to be ok with that. Right now I’m not ok. I’m devastated, heart-broken and angry (those are the best words I could find to describe this, I don’t think they’ve come up with one word that succinctly describes all of the worst feelings possible happening all at once). I’m not an angry person by nature so that is the aspect I need to address and resolve first.
This of course is where the chainsaw comes in. Last time I decided to parcel out the couches River had been so kind as to destroy (coincidentally she just drew first blood on my latest one…they must stuff them with cotton candy or something). This time, I think the most appropriate items to feel my wrath are things that I can’t bear to have in my house anymore. Since I’ve been leaning so hard on my close friends lately, I’ve also decided to include them in this experience (they deserve to have a little fun after having to deal with me lately). I’ve posted pictures of the chainsaw experience on Flickr: clickedy-click right here to see them. If you are still reading this, go grab a new pint because you deserve it after my Debbie Downer whiny-bitch tirade. Thank you again to all of you for reading this post and the blog in general, I owe all of you a good beer.